Jerky Talks #1: Let's Never Talk About 2010 Again

I first joined fun runs last February 2010. When I do join these marathons, I habitually run a mental sermon to myself when I am midway and tired: "Why do you have to do this? Why do you need to run? What were you thinking? Are you planning to kill yourself?" And each step I take closer to the finish line, the sermoning voice dies down a little. The challenge becomes fun and each step is one act closer to a personal victory.

2010 was like a fun run for me. It was fun. And challenging: I had heartbreaks. I needed to sever ties several times. Close doors, open windows with a lock pick. There were challenges and I think for most, I did well.

Friendships: A tie severed, opens up to new friends

I was disappointed with 2009. I made a resolution to open up myself to others and tear down walls and just be friendlier. I didn't do that last 2009 and it carried over to my 2010.

Sadly, I needed to sever ties with a very special person and no matter how I try to patch things up with us, it just doesn't seem to work. I figured I lost my chance, but maybe I'll try again next year. Keep it a habit. Maybe we'll be cool again. But I'm glad we had that fight. Made me rethink about my expectations from people and how I react to them not meeting promises. Made me realize how I limit myself to a select few.

After that falling apart, I just thought that maybe it wouldn't hurt to have more friends and let other people in. I was naturally afraid of rejection or being disliked. So I befriended people anyway. I threw all care in the air and just found these amazing people who can tolerate my demeanor. Thank you guys. I don't wanna mention who you are, but if you're a friend--new or old--know that I have just thanked you.

That overused four-letter word: how elusive

I came to a point where I have stopped believing anyone who says I am a catch (or anything to that effect), most of them are my friends anyways. It's now low self-esteem talking. But more like me not really giving a care about how I appear to others. Yeah, I guess that's low self-esteem. Or just not giving a care and being comfortable with what you are. I find my attitude towards love nonchalant. If I have it, great. If I don't, I couldn't care for it. I guess I was so satisfied with being single that dating seemed like an idea I'd reply something like "seriously?" I guess I was satisfied already with more convenient stuff, so to say. You know, the cow and milk metaphor. I don't want to clarify for the kids.

I mean, friends are good, but an emotional baggage like a relationship, maybe I wasn't prepared for it.

In short, I only dated a few times in 2010. But I think it's a bit more than I did last 2009, where I did some serious stuffs in this department, though--to a fail. This time, the dates were friendlier and I just went with the flow and not all psycho like delivering a no commitment guarantee speech on the first date. LOL. That was a total fail before.

I kind of gotten my heartbroken during 2010. As usual, it's during September. I wouldn't blame the heartbreak on anyone else but me, but that was something that taught me a lot of stuffs and made me rethink the way I go on about relationships, dating. It's also a reality check for me that maybe I am not one to play the bad guy role. Idk, that was just one messed up part of 2010 that I really hate revisiting.

Personal Goals

I didn't have abs, but I got closer. Lol. I almost quit on growing myself a six pack, but people telling me and encouraging me got me to give it another try anyway. I have two right now. LOL.

Liabilities, well I apparently didn't meet the clearing up my credit card bills on time, but I guess next year this can be possible as I hate the cards now to the point that I have "jailed" them some place so I won't use them.

I got a new phone this year. In fact I had three. I only planned one. Then it got stolen so the crazy Jerky acted and bought two new. And the crazy jerky is quite happy. The financially challenged Jerky is not so.

Didn't get a promotion, not that I want to, but it is something I have been thinking of. How do I get promoted in this very flat org. Maybe better luck this year.

I got so many new friends, I guess I have check that off.

Man, were my goals shallow and limited. LOL. Don't worry, I don't write everything down, dear reader. Some things are still meant to be personal.

So I approach the end of 2010. And how does it feel, the way you finish a run. You feel so excited, yet kind of sad that it's actually gonna finish because it was fun. I'm seeing the end of this year and I feel like I should celebrate it. I feel like the most growth in my person I have had happened this year. And for that 2010, for the exhausting but happy run you have been for me, I kiss you goodbye sweetly. You will always be remembered. 2011, I can't wait. Please be kind!