Short Story: It's Not my Fault

Tetay hasn't had lunch yet. Her brothers have gone out for the day and she was left to starve on the overpass. They told her that they’d bring back food, but when she looked over the overpass view at 3 PM, they were sniffing rugby.

A tall stranger with curious blue eyes passed by Tetay and gave her a piece of bread and his Coke Light. It was lucky that she was nearest when the foreigner got tired of his food because the competition with the other homeless kids can be fierce this time of the day. She greedily munched up the bread before the other kids could see her and get a chance to ask for a piece.

Today is just a bad day. It’s already 5 PM and she has only collected 20 pesos. Strangers with blank faces keep passing her by as if her pleas for help do not matter. She's only 8, and already she's very well acquainted with the world's cruelty. It wasn't her fault that she was born poor and her parents more bastards than she actually is. It wasn't her fault that she couldn't afford three meals a day, or even one. It wasn't her fault that she, too, is a child, who wants to play, be happy, and not worry where to get dinner.

But she is suffering anyways.

Already it is 9 PM. The burning sensation the Coke Light did to her stomach had come and gone, and still she is hungry. Her can has collected 29.75. She can buy dinner or something with it. But just some more. Some more strangers to bother and she can eat.

Then just as she turned, she saw a white plastic bag—small and emblazoned with a happy-looking red bee. Jolly Crispy Fries, it sang. It’s almost every child’s dream to eat at Jollibee. This man, coming towards her, has Jollibee fries. Her stomach did backflips. She wants those fries.

"Akin na lang yan…" she said aloud so the stranger could hear her.

I did not budge. It's not my fault anyways that she's there. I carried on munching my fries, ignoring the suffering souls around me, children who haven’t had their dinners.

Tetay could not believe it, she grabbed the stranger's arms, pleading, pleading in the manner she knows, "akin na lang yan…"

I pulled my arm away from the dirty kid.

Immediately, when Tetay felt her hope for obtaining the fries has gone, she went jumping and crying, throwing a tantrum that no one could hear or could care about, especially the man who continued eating his fries and murmured, "It's not my fault…" Unfortunately, that man, I, is hounded by the image of Tetay jumping and crying and throwing tantrums that he needed to blog about it.

That night, after getting home, I was revisited again and again by that vision of Tetay. I never thought that Jollibee, an image of happiness for children, in my hands, had become an image of depravity in the eyes of the beggar Tetay.

Author's Note: Lifted from my old blog, dated March 16, 2008

In my defense, I was 22 and I haven't had dinner yet! Haha. I remember how this event went and I feel bad I didn't give her those fries. That was the least I could've done. It's the Christmas season, a season of giving and I thought I share this with everyone. Hopefully you all find some depth, lesson, or at the very least creativity, kahit kunti. Haha. Have a great day, everyone.

Jerky Talks: If You Want a Clear Picture

Last week, I frequented Fitness First ABS CBN, which is admittedly harder to reach for me compared to other branches. While I can actually walk ABS CBN from my place, I often lack both the courage and determination to do such a feat, so I instead decided to take two jeepney rides, a route that circumvents the otherwise straight line from my place to ABS if I walked it.

And what I realized during those jeepney rides is that our country is really dipshit poor. I mean, if you want a clear picture of how poor our country is, you don't need to watch any documentaries, or indie films, or go all outreach program sister. You just need to take that jeepney ride on a Christmas season, and, oh, the things you will rubbing shoulders with!

On my count, there were at least 3 envelope givers who went inside our jeepney during one of my jeepney rides. These people will ride the jeepney and give envelopes and plead / oblige you (by means of sad stares) to give money. Most of the times, these are kids, but in one rare case, a couple, around their late teens, rode our jeep and rendered a weird song and hand dance number. I do not understand for a moment why I should give them any money. They are not kids, they are not disabled, and in proper time they would add another child to the population of the country that could not feed itself properly. What was immediately evident was that they are poor--and haven't taken a bath for days. Why should I give my change to them?

On my second ride, there were no envelope givers, but rather, just street kids who need free ride. One of the kids that took that free ride was extremely dingy. He was wearing slippers but his feet were sooty and street-sodden. It was evident that his life has been spent mostly on the streets, learning the tricks of the trade, and in a few years' time, this kid would either be an experienced thief, drug addict, or dead. I cannot imagine how the parents of these kids can allow their children to go through a life like this, hitching jeepney rides and virtually living on the streets. How can one bear a child and let them look like shit? How can there be such a parent?

Everytime I see people like this, I feel sorry for my country, because I know, people like me will not do anything but live their lives and try to get as much money as they could from their time. Enough money to buy comfort and to be able to rear their child well so that one day, children like this one can rob them, or cut them, or rape them, or beat them up. People like me, at most, can only make themselves feel good, feel like they contribute something, by doing charity work on some organizations. And in a way, that is help. But the truth is, no action could ever be enough unless we can find a solution for the people living in conditions like that child. Unless we can find a way to change the mindsets of these people who breed street dwellers, this will just go on and on until the children of our children of our children. Unless we can make sure that hunger, violence, and death does not get ahead of us.

Don't get me wrong, I am not vilifying the poor, they are already doing their best to achieve that. I may perhaps be generalizing too much, but one thing I know for sure, is that this country is poor, and the lines between social strata have not been this clear to me. I am lucky: I have a job and I do not hand out envelopes to eat. I am unlucky, however, to see how poor this country is, and to know just how much faith in the Filipino people I lost in just two jeepney rides.

We are not advancing as whole. Rather, parts of us are, and some of those parts fly where there are less disturbing realities. The rest are left to squander and look for hand-me-downs they could get either by force or by mercy--and eventually starve until they are left with a choice of turning to wrong or dying. And that's just sad to think of while you could not finish your plate because you've already had too much and you want some space for that perfect flan.

I did not enjoy my New Year's Eve dinner so to speak.

Author's Note: You may also want to read the companion story, It's Not my Fault. 

2011: I Will Miss You

Since I've pretty much made a summary of how my 2011 went, I believe I only have space to blog about the lessons I learned this year. 2011 felt like that year where I feel I've grown the most, a crucial transitioning from child to adult, and while I cannot I am completely there, I can say that my progress to becoming the man, whatever that means, has taken quite a huge step. I can say that 2011 is my best year. Too many significant things happened this year, and I can say quite feels like the twin of 2012: a prelude of the things to happen this 2012, a joint appendage, if you may. I just hope 2012 is as good. 2011 is hard to let go of, and will always hold a special place in my heart.

Anyhoo, here are some of the lessons I've learned and would like to share to everyone. Hope you pick up something good.

Accepting your flaws is the first step to loving yourself ; loving yourself is the first step to optimism; optimism is the first step to growth; and growth is the first step to success.


Life is short, do what makes you happy.


Fear is a reasoning, and for every reasoning, there is a counter-reasoning. Courage, is therefore, simply a reasoning on your fear.


Always keep your promises, that is the easiest way to build yourself to people.


Sometimes, the only closure you can get is the lack of it.


Choose your friends, they probably choose theirs, too.


Patience pays.


Once you take your fight to the Internet, you've already lost.


Remember that all this exercise and keeping in shape is for the ultimate goal of finding that someone you wanna get fat with.


Use simple words, life is hard already for you to make your emails / posts / tweets a chore to read.


Enjoy everything that comes your way; everything ends. Cherish them while they last.


Hold on to your happiness, find that connection. Then pass it on. You can only make others happy if you are happy to begin with.


Try new things; that's our difference with animals, we try things out of our instincts' dictations.


It's ok to cry, be angry, be sad, be hateful, but you have to let that go, else you're missing on a lot of great things being consumed by such emotions.


Heavy emotions are just as bad as drugs, never do anything under their influence, the consequences range from irredeemable shame to severed ties.


Smile. People who smile are beautiful.


Everyone has an interesting story to tell. Listen.


Widen your perspective, you're not the only person in the world.


With a good sense of humor, you can survive just about anything.

2006-2011: The Best (?) of Jerky in Pictures

I was browsing across my old blog, the link of which I will not give you even if you threaten me with a machete, and I came across some pretty interesting old pictures from c. 2006 to 2009. I am including some photos from 2010 to recent for the very vain reason that I want to have something to go back to 5 years from now and laugh at and feel ashamed for sharing to the Internet (it's a guilty pleasure!). I also want to use this opportunity to show my (small) audience the person who has been writing all these shih tzu and how he looks like from 2006 forwards and not anymore further back because that is social suicide already. To my friends, this would seem like a run of The Best of Jerky and maybe it is, but in a way, you'll know what I've been doing for the past 5 years, socially at least. Without further ado, let's begin the a run on bad wardrobe and haircut!

2006, me with Tina our recep. Saw how matching my shirt is with
her uniform so I sat with her and took a snap. Notice the hair.

2006 at a friend's condo. Little did the idealistic me knew what
compromises he'd take in the future. Would I have been happier
had I stayed idealistic? Probably. In another universe.

My first birthday in CYMA was in 2007. I went there with my
HS friends and it was awesome. What I am wearing here, not
so much. Haha!

Clockwise from left, KC, Bowdy, Me, Jeff, and Karen. 2007. This
was taken at Gateway. I miss that red polo shirt. Twas my fave.
Would it fit me better now that I have some more, er, muscle?

Me with office friend Chard and friend Jhen. This was
Christmas season 2007 at Star City. Yep, my idea. Wanted
to try something old new so Star City.

Sometime Nov. 2007. Got hospitalized and had a major operation
to free up my sinuses. Doctors broke a small bone.

Me with my HS friends Karen and Jeff. This was taken in trinoma, 2007.
We were there the first month it opened. We even witnessed the
collapsing ceiling.

2007 at the office. See how brown my eyes are? Nope those
aren't contacts. That's how brown my eyes are without those
contacts. Kidding. I love these glasses. I lost them, btw.

October 2008. Karen was wearing her cowboy boots and I wanted
to play dress-up with her and put on mine, but didn't have the
cowboy jacket. Rats. KC's birthday! :D

2008, I finally started fixing myself up and wearing the right size
of clothes. No more 2 sizes bigger! Haha. Spell vain.

At Shang, this was 2008. My 22nd birthday with my officemates.
Beside me is my officemate Nelson who has nearly the same taste
in movies as I do. This was the second time I celebrated in CYMA.

Sep 2008. Out with my friends for one birthday round. I think
the biggest change this year was the hair product I use. And
I have since remained faithful to that hair product. OSIS no. 2

Me and my 2 friends at a party in Makati. Taken in 2009, it's
one of my rare pictures with these guys, Ken and JR. I have
rarely seen them around as they've moved.

2009. This is my first self-portrait taken with my SLR (bought March)
and edited in Photoshop. The reason was that it was too
"contre-jour." People mistake it as a studio pic, but it was taken in front
of a wide window with a very low ISO and high exposure settings.
Concept was taken from Beyonce's Halo video. Doesn't look it, right? 

This was 2009, Badeth's 24th birthday. How did I look so young
here again. Everyone says I look 30ish, and that's fine, but here I
positively look 29! Holy! Photo taken by Badeth and is one of my
most favorite photos of me of all time.

2009. Would you believe that the blazer I am wearing is worth
more than my running shoes? It's from 5cm and for that money,
I could pick up something smarter at say Zara or Topman. Lol.
This was my very first "Circles" with my HS friends.

Feb 2010: Possibly my most favorite profile pic, taken during
the days I  was dabbling with photography. This was taken by
my good friend, Abe, who was posing for me that day. My
officemates have since kid about this facial expression as
Jerky's cold steel blue look.

A picture of Team Megamall. This is one of my most memorable
trips ever. For a lot of reasons. A lot. I owe a lot to these people
their friendship came at the right time and have been instrumental
to my growth as a person. They helped me pick up the pieces
and be the person who I am now. I am more grateful than I ever
allow them to know.

Me with gym friends Benjie, Desire, and Nahlea, taken from the
same trip mentioned above. August 2010.

October 2010. I wanted to keep this picture even if it
is blurry because this is a snap of how a drunk Jerky
looks like. This was taken in Il Pirata at Eastwood (Now TGI
Fridays). I just had one glass of their strongest drink and BAM
I was humiliating myself and my friends by dancing weirdly. I
made everyone laugh, I want to keep that memory. This
drunk Jerky eventually gets its own name: Flerky. As in
flirty Jerky. Not really!

December 2010 at the Makati Shang for our annual Circles celebration
By 2010, I had taken a fancy to cut my hair military short. This was
one of the sadder Circles reunion as we are losing one of our friends
to America to get married to her bf. Happy for her, sad for us. 

January 2011. Boracay with Megamall Team.
My first time in Boracay. Me with Gym buddy
Atty Migs. This could've been my best photo
and what did I do? I closed my eyes and bit
my lip. I don't know what I was thinking. I got tanned
so much, the henna tan lines saw our next Boracay trip

Welcome 2011 and I met these great guys from the gym
called UL, short for Ultraloungers. We all decided to get
shirts with prints to celebrate the birthday of our friend John,
lowest right, who runs a shirt biz. The print on my shirt is the
word on my ex's tattoo. After my ex and I broke up, the shirt
mysteriously disappeared. True story.

Me with Dianne and Jezonne at Boracay, April 2011. The idea
was to look far into the horizon, but Jezonne caught up late.
Notice my tan lines, those were from a henna I got late January. It
was from this trip that Flerky was born. Ramon called me that and
eventually it caught up with everyone that I just decided to play
along with it. I shake my head.

Me with my HS friends. Our 5th year for the annual Circles
tradition. Some things you know are just worth keeping.

My 2011: Blog About the People You Used to Love and Alienate Them More

2011. I ended 2010 feeling pensive, hopeful, and a little bittersweet. But guess all of 2010's been swept under the rug by the much better 2011. 2011 is so far my best year ever! So much so, I am perpetually afraid it's gonna be a downhill from here. You know, we all have this weird feeling that when everything is doing well, we have this fear that something will just get shitty and ruin everything and snowball into something larger than you can manage. But I've somehow acquired the skills to live beyond that fear. Fear in itself is a reasoning and with any reasoning, you can always have a counter-reasoning, equally fitting, equally wise. And that was my 2011. Keeping the fear, but reasoning with it.

50% Alcohol

I basically spent the first half of my year drunk. I mean really, since January, I never had a weekend I am not drunk, it's either I am drunk or dipshit drunk. Those were the only choices. And a weekend where I didn't get drunk is a bad weekend. It came to a point where I drink alone at home if I cannot go out like if it's raining or I finished up my budget. I was basically just brandishing myself an alcoholic. No, seriously it wasn't that bad, but it was bad enough that I crave for that precious, little, painful hangover every Sunday morning and looking forward to drinking that Pocari Sweat, which miraculously removes the hangover (and it comes with a cool lime-y taste). This stupor only concluded sometime around June or July when I realized that it's expensive to be drunk all the time. And also, not cool.

Walk the Shore
In 2010, I avoided the beach like a plague. For some reason, I've only been to the beach once last year, and it wasn't even during the summer; and when I did go to the beach, I got stung by a jelly fish. What gives, right? But in 2011, I've been to the beach 4 times and got stung by jellyfishes zero times. Huzzah! Twice in Boracay, and twice in Batangas. 3 of those spent drunk, 3 of those during the first half of the year and one of those spent very pensively and sober.

Few people understand my hesitation to travel far. I am stressed out by the unfamiliarity of a foreign place and the effort of packing and traveling with 3 large bags, accompanied by the possibility of being asked to work remotely (my server has a habit of crashing while I am on a vacation--no matter how I prepare ahead of it, it's Murphy's Law dumping shit on me). I canceled my Indonesia trip last February due to some irrational fear of traveling and some financial hesitations. But as I am still not very fond of traveling far from my comfort zone, which is Metro Manila (go, laugh), so to speak, the money supposedly for Indonesia went to Boracay on an April. I must have fallen in love with Boracay during January that I decided to spend my hard-earned money on it again on the same year for instead of going elsewhere. But it's more of being acquainted with it, and the familiarity with its beauty that made me decide. That said, I traveled this year, took baby steps to conquer my self-induced agoraphobia. And mostly, all those travels were spent walking on the shore. I love being on the beach alone, it gives me so much time to think and acquire humility in the presence of the sea.

It is by the sea that I recovered myself and realized that I can survive possibly anything.


Burn
Financially, I've recovered. I've had 400% more trips this year compared to last year, but I've recovered this year. Started investing, too and I expect myself to be debt-free first quarter of next year. Looking forward to this, actually. It's a happy thought and a goal that makes me so proud of myself. I also avoided spending on gadgets this year, which is something that I believe is an achievement already.

Career on the other hand has been more stressful compared to last year. I am experiencing a paradigm shift and is expected perform a different role next year, although its toll I've started to feel.

Luckily, I have not been to any sort of trouble this year, didn't get hospitalized or whatnot, and I managed to get "some" abdominals and really really flat stomach. It was surprising when I realized where I've gone to, only to lose it weeks after as it is nearing the holidays and binge eating is fun, especially when depression from insomnia sets in. Haha!

I've also read, well, 1 book this year! Crappy compared to my records way back, but hey, I just got back to reading and writing again, and hopefully this is something I can continue. I've also seen some of the old movies I really really wanna see like Gone With The Wind and Pulp Fiction, and oh, the joy they brought me!


Feel like I'm Living the...
Things from 3 years back came rushing forward to slap me on the face this year, and if anything I can now relate to how that living the Teenage Dream feels. Twice. I felt giddy when it comes to matters of the heart. Ever since the second half of the year, it's all been a roller coaster ride, bipolar swings if you may. Sometimes extremely high and positive, sometimes low and dreary. But all is good, thank God. Just one major heartbreak during the first quarter, and one really filled with questioning and self-doubt. Probably that caused my stupors to rampage into something addictive, but what's good was that it taught me a lot. It really did and I am thankful that happened. It was sad, but I got a lot out of it. I got a new me. A better me, I believe.

I did get some things I want this year in this department. I am very thankful to have spent some time with good people who treated me generously and kindly during our time together. But, at the end of the day, I am concluding this year alone. Thing is, I am satisfied with the fact that I am single during this time of the year. I mean, can you imagine having to join your partner shopping for gifts? On my own, I cannot manage traversing a mall, what more if I am with someone. Seriously speaking, I am quite satisfied. Not that I don't want to be in a commitment, but sometimes, well, you don't have a choice. Haha! You know, you don't work out with the people you like, and you are left alone, waiting for something good to come. And I've learned this year that it pays to wait. I waited three years. And it paid off. Thanks for being part of my 2011.

The Reverse Path
I always like the saying, "Trust God's design. He made the world round so that even when two people chose to walk two opposite paths, they would always meet somewhere in the middle." I never got to reconcile with that friend from 2010, but the thing is, I couldn't care less about it. It was just, I don't care anymore. I mean I gave it my best, made myself look like a fool and all apologies have been thrown to my face like a dirty rug, and I took it all. I took it. I braved that. And still nothing. And that's when I learned when to quit and accept some things work that way. Work better when they are broken. Sometimes, I overvalue closure. Sometimes, the only closure you get is the lack of it. And you have to respect that.

I gained a lot of great friends this year, anyways. My efforts to open up to new people paid off and I met a lot of new great people who helped me so much in the past year. These guys taught me a lot about myself and what I am capable of and what's my value--this I tend to underrate. I actually thought that with these friends, I don't need to be in a relationship. Them along with my other friends made me feel so much loved that I could not have asked for anything more.

I managed to nourish old friendships and make new ones. And I owe a lot to these people, to my friends, as they help me become better everyday.

In very vague points, let me highlight my 2011, this part is useful if you didn't read anything above.

10. No Shiny New Toy
9. Be Polite and Say Goodbye
8. Keep Moving Forward
7. Fear of Flying
6. Kissing in the Drunken Dark
5. The Sea
4. Relocate the Stapler
3. The Corrections
2. Lounging on the Ultra
1. The One that Got Away

Jerky Talks: Let Them Eat Cake

Before I continue on writing, let me just express that I am not one given to writing much about personal matters or socio-political affairs. The world is diverse and filled with opinionated individuals; opinions written down on such matters often cause alienation, flaming, hatred, and unnecessary discussion / drama, which I do not want. I do not blog about these things because I dislike the internet culture of bullying. People have opinion, I choose to respect everyone's opinion and still be able to express mine. That does not seem possible, but I will proceed anyway with that in mind. In short, please be kind. I'm but a humble blogger with little to no fan base to back me up. :D Going back to the topic in hand:

Last December 18, a controversial twitter "peek-a-boo-boo" and I meant a boo-boo, really, between several PH goverment officials and Ms. Valerie Concepcion, caused a stir on the Internet community. The issue being discussed by Valerie Concepcion and the other government officials is the party happening in Malacanang, and in attendance is none other than PNoy. 489 miles from Malacanang, however, 20,000 families have lost their homes, and  a vast part CDO / Iligan, can you imagine this, has been converted by Typhoon Sendong (TS Washi) into a brown sea. Sendong, which made landfall on Mindanao last December 16, has brought in torrential rains that triggered flash floods, claiming 632 lives (as of this writing) with hundreds still missing.

Contrast the jovial scenario at the palace and the dreariness of people dying and suffering over at CDO. That's what everyone did who's been criticizing the party at Malacanang last night, and that's understandable. People get angry over these things. As a race we do tend to have overly high expectations of people in power, and as a race, we do tend to behave contrary to people's expectations once we're in power.

What fanned the fire was a continuous deletion of tweets by Valerie Concepcion and several misinformed ones by palace spokespersons Manuel L. Quezon III and Abigail Valte offering vague ideas and denials about the party currently taking place. There was simply no response on when PNoy is to visit the makeshift brown sea that was once CDO. And people were eager to have the president thrown to CDO and do things expected of a president in times of crisis.

In the short time Noynoy has been president, I can conclude these things about him: 1. He is always calm until he gets to the mic to lambast his enemies. 2. His action is always geared toward fighting corruption, previous or recent, and 3. he always makes Binay do the dirty work, such as foreign relations with China and calamity response, for which Binay obliges.

What prompted me to write is the call for PNoy to be at ground zero on day one, not the party or whatnot, but the reaction over his not being there on day one and only this Tuesday. 

I am no PNoy fanboy. Far from it, actually, and I hated that he ran last 2010. But here's what. This is something that I do not understand. Why do we always want our head of state in a dangerous place? That's the effin' balding head of state we want to place in danger. I mean not just for Noynoy, but for the other presidents before him. We are so angry when they aren't there the day the relief operations has started. I do not understand that. The President is a very important person, why do we want him in an unsafe place? Isn't it enough that he has (or his subordinates) the army and the Red Cross mobilized to bring support and relief to those struck by the disaster. And if we need a figure of authority there, Binay is already there as soon as he possibly could. And by golly, the president is no expert in calamity and disaster response. He has people for that, and those are the ones who need to be there. Why do we want someone who's not adept with that sort of thing taking charge over that? Why? Just because he's the president, I really don't understand it. Just because he's the most powerful being in the country? Can't he use that power from a safer place? I mean that's the point of having people to do those things for you. So they would do it for you, so they'd get their hands dirty so you can attend to other things (parties included). I mean if I were in the disaster area, I'd very much prefer to see the soldiers doing their thing over a president lording around and talking on his phone attending to matters he left behind in Manila.

Now with that said, I think the most we can do is help. Follow this link to see how we may help the victims of Tropical Storm Washi.

Pick of the Week: Paper Bag

When the pawn hits the conflict, he thinks like a king. Yeah, this song is really old, but I only got to listen to it from the movie Bridesmaids. It's from Fiona Apple's sophomore album When the Pawn... released in 1999, and this one was released in 2000, subsequently used in 2011's Bridesmaids soundtrack. The track has a sad vibe backed by a catchy beat and a carefree singing. In case the video below won't play, you may try the alternative link I've provided which is basically just a mish-mash of Fiona Apple's other videos with half of it from the official Paper Bag video.

Hope you like today's pick. :)

Alternative video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VcHYIEN16G8